I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
