I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
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I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
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So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!