I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
