I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
