You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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