when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
