I am spending my child support on dildos
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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