if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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