You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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