I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
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you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
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The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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