I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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