Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
