I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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