What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
