I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
