I think im going to throw up on grandma
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
