There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
