If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
