I feel great
I just peed on a car
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
then he tried to convert me to islam
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
