you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
