all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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