His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
