we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
