On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
