I accidentally burped into my bong.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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