I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
