i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize