I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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