she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
