Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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