we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
