we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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