dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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