I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
