dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
