Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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