There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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