just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
