the condom got lost in my hair
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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