Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
even my farts smell like vagina
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
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She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
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Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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