I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
