A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
