I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
