His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
