I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
