you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
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By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
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