i was born a porn star she said
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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