I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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