I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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