I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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