the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
