i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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