i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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