I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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