You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You took a bar mat shot.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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