im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
These tits shall not be calmed
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
