I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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