You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
