He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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