i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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