for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
