Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
